What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?
by Anarchist278
Summary: As much as she has tried to deny it Karen can't make herself fight it and some days it even seems worth fighting for. The companion piece to When All Hope Is Gone. Please read other story first.


**A.N Ok so I know this didn't come as early as it was supposed to but its finally done. Hope you find it worth the wait. If anyone hasn't read the companion piece to this before now I strongly urge you to do so. It's called When All Hope Is Gone and will definitely help this one to make more sense.**

**What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?**

She lay there listening to the sounds of him sleeping beside her, wishing she had the strength to get up out of this bed and leave him while he slept. She didn't know why she stayed or more to the point why she ever came here in the first place but somehow she couldn't raise the will to leave.

This man who lay beside her was viewed as a monster by so many including herself and yet she knew that that was not necessarily true. She knew that he hadn't always been this way, that somewhere deep inside him shone a glimmer of humanity, that he did indeed possess a heart.

Years ago she would have sworn to this fact without hesitation, years ago she knew he had a heart and that heart belonged to her. But then things had changed and everything that she had been so certain of had been twisted and manipulated till she no longer recognised it for what it once was.

She could so clearly remember what it was like to be his girlfriend back in high school. To watch him from her place on the sidelines with the other cheerleaders as he dominated the basketball court, to catch the little looks he would send her way when no-one else was watching, looks that promised her so much, promises that he always kept back then. Promises that he was only too happy to keep back at his parents' house as his brother slept in the next room after the games.

At first it had bothered her seeing the change in his behaviour that occurred whenever they were around his basketball friends, seeing the way he would become the arrogant jock that everyone expected, but she knew that he did this simply to fit into the mould that everyone had cast for him and as long as he remained sensitive and loving in private she had no real problem with his behaviour. She liked to think that she was what kept him grounded, that without her maybe he would get sucked into believing what all these people said about him. She knew that things were never easy for him at home with his father and she liked to think that in some small way she helped him to deal with that too, by providing the escape he so desperately needed.

He gave her the love, excitement and passion that she craved while she gave him the stability and nurture that he required to stop him turning into the loose cannon that she often feared without someone to guide him he could become.

Her place at his side made her part of the elite of Tree Hill High. They were the chosen ones, the ones that everyone wished they could be but few rarely got the chance to even know. It wasn't that she was conceited or snobby it was just that it was high school and it was all too easy to get caught up in the inanity of the separatism. She was friendly to all who crossed her path but rarely ventured out of her circle comprised of the basketball players and their cheerleader girlfriends. She was one of them and she never had cause to question it. As long as she had him she had everything she needed.

She remembered how it felt to walk into parties, his arm snugly around her waist proclaiming to all that she was his. She remembered too the looks of envy that would be shot in her direction by girls wishing they had what she had, wishing they had him. He barely even glanced at these other girls though, he didn't need to, he had what he needed in her.

They would lose themselves in the typical reckless abandon that made up these parties, laughing, drinking and generally being kids but always with the knowledge that no matter what happened they would finish the night together, naked flesh pressed together, whispered endearments and promises for the future floating in the dark air around them.

Everything back then had seemed so crystal clear; there had been no doubt in her mind that they would be together forever. It was surely one of those nights that Lucas had been conceived, a night where like so many before it they professed their love and promised to be together forever neither one of them knowing that their very actions of that moment would be what ultimately drove them apart.

When she first discovered she was pregnant she had been overcome with such fear although just what it was that she feared she hadn't quite been able to put her finger on. She was confident in Dan's love and had no reason to doubt that he would be there for her but it didn't change the fact that all the plans they had made would now have to be rethought. The whimsical college existence they had imagined for themselves before they settled down to marriage and a family was no longer possible. The fates had intervened and that first child they had imagined themselves having one day was now a reality, a reality that would enter their lives in less than nine months.

The night she had gone to tell him about the baby inside of her had been one of the most surreal of her life. She had seen the look of love in his eyes as soon as he opened the door and saw her standing there and it had filled her with hope, hope that he may not be destroyed by the news she was about to impart. He'd grabbed her hand pulling her up the stairs to his room pressing his finger to his lips in a shushing motion when she tried to speak.

"Keith is here," he had whispered "and we both know if he sees you that we'll be stuck down here for half an hour making nice with my loser brother."

"I like Keith," she had said struck by the absurdity of discussing such an inane subject at that time.

"I know you do baby," he said "but you love me. You can come downstairs and see him later, let him pretend that you're really here to see him when we both know that isn't true."

He pulled her into his room, his hands coming to rest at her waist as he leaned in to kiss her, she tilted her head up to look at him and his gaze met hers. He paused in his movement towards her staring into her eyes for a moment apparently sensing something wasn't right. He placed his hand under her chin tilting her face up further so her brown orbs stared directly into his. Then without a word and without removing his hand from her waist he stepped back towards the bed bringing her with him.

He sat pulling her into his lap, tucking her head into the crook of his neck and rubbing his hands over the soft skin of her arms.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly but she made no move to answer instead allowing herself to become lost in the soothing motion of his hands on her arms, in the steady sound of his pulse next to her ear and the reassuring feel of his body under hers.

"Karen baby you have to tell me what's wrong."

"What makes you think something is wrong?" she asked her voice little more than a choked whisper.

"Because I know you better than anyone and I can tell when you're upset. All I have to do is look in those beautiful brown eyes of yours and I know everything you're feeling."

She wanted to ask him to tell her what it was that she was feeling then, wanted to prolong this moment of closeness, of the two of them revelling in the amazing relationship they had but almost before she knew what she was saying the words spilled from her lips.

"I'm pregnant."

She felt him stiffen behind her and felt an ache in her chest as she realised that she may have just ended the very thing in her life that she wanted to last forever. She lifted her head from his shoulder and looked at him. She saw the myriad of emotions chasing across his face none of them ever staying long before something new took its place.

She placed her hand on his cheek trying to draw his attention to her but for a moment it was almost as if he was not even aware of her existence as his eyes stared blankly into space.

"This can't be happening," he murmured. "I was careful. How can this be happening we're supposed to be starting college in a few months? It can't be real," he said to her his words rushing out over the top of each other.

"Have you been to a doctor?" he asked for the first time waiting for her to speak.

She nodded as words failed her.

"What are we supposed to do?" he asked her looking at her properly for the first time and she could see the hope in his eyes that she would hold the answers, that somehow she could cure all of his uncertainty and fear but how could she do that for him when she was filled with those emotions herself.

She had been so lonely when he left her to go to college. Even though she believed him when he said he was doing it for them and their family it had nearly broken her heart saying goodbye to him. For the first few weeks after he had gone she had existed solely for his phone calls, the only time she felt any sort of peace when she heard his voice on the other end of the phone. But time had passed and to a certain extent she had become accustomed to his absence from her life, she still missed him but she was able to go about her life preparing for their child while she waited for his return.

Keith always made a point of coming to check up on her on a weekly basis and gradually those visits became more frequent. She told herself at first that he was just trying to be a good brother to Dan and be there for her when Dan himself was unable to be but there was only so long that she could fool herself with these ideas. She saw the way Keith would look at her sometimes when he thought she wasn't looking and she would hear the excitement in his voice when he would speak of the baby. He became a good friend but he was nothing more. She was waiting for the day that Dan would come home and they would be a family.

The night she had gone into labour had been one of the most frightening experiences of her life. Keith had been there, it seemed that he had become reluctant to let her out of his sight as her due date had neared, he had driven her to the hospital but only after she had made him call Dan. He had called her halfway through his semester to tell her that he was going to drop out of college and come home to her so he could be with her when she had the baby and although things had not quite been what she expected since then she still held him to that promise, that he would be there with her when their baby was born.

She didn't know why when things had finally seemed to be back on track with them after that phone call that his calls had become so infrequent and when he did call she could hear desperation in his voice that she didn't understand. She didn't know why he didn't come to the hospital that night despite his promise to the contrary all she knew was in the most important moment of her life it was the wrong Scott brother that she shared it with.

It was several weeks later that Keith had broken the news to her and told her the truth about just what Dan had been up to at College. She had found out that he was having a baby with someone else but unlike herself he was willing to marry this other woman.

He had called her that night as if knowing that that had been the day that she had learnt of his betrayal. She had asked him if it was true, some tiny part of her still holding the hope that it was all just a bad dream or someone's sick idea of a joke but he had confirmed it and her heart had broken. She had heard him protest his love for her as if from a distance then she had said goodbye and hung up on him making sure Keith would tell him that he was never to contact her again.

Years had passed and she had watched her son grow from an infant to a small boy and had been so engulfed with love for him but at the same time whenever she looked at him it was hard not to feel the sadness that still plagued her even after all this time. She saw the bond that developed between her son and Keith and was grateful to the other man for taking on such a role in her son's life but in her mind it wasn't enough. She wanted Lucas to know his father.

Then that fateful day had come, she had been walking down the street, three year old Lucas holding onto her hand and yammering on a mile a minute. She had been concentrating on her son and almost hadn't seen them but then almost as if she sensed his presence her gaze had been drawn across the road. She gasped as she saw him standing there holding a dark haired child in one arm, his other arm resting around the shoulders of a short blonde impeccably dressed woman.

She could hear Lucas' voice still trying to talk to her but she couldn't register the words. She could hear her heart hammering in her chest and was surprised that the sound didn't seem to be heard by everyone within a mile radius.

She stared at them even as she saw him start to turn towards her. It almost seemed to be happening in slow motion and yet she still couldn't tear her gaze away. She wanted to turn, wanted to avoid the moment where she would look into his eyes but still her gaze remained locked onto him. His eyes locked with hers and she gasped at the emotion burning there. For two seemingly endless minutes they stood staring at each other before finally he abruptly turned away. She felt the loss of contact almost as a physical pain as he proceeded to act as if he hadn't even seen her but his act was not good enough. The blonde woman standing there with him turned then and looked at her and Karen saw the contentment shining out of her eyes and for the first time she knew how it felt to hate someone she had never met.

She could feel Lucas tugging on her hand but couldn't look away. The other woman continued to stare at her and in that moment she saw a flash of something in the other woman's eyes and knew that she knew. Her eyes lost some of their shine as she turned back to look at the husband she had trusted so implicitly and the son she so obviously adored. Her husband was doing his best to appear unaffected but she could see his discomfort and suddenly she understood all of the restlessness that he had displayed ever since they had met. She understood the yearning she had seen in his eyes sometimes when he thought she wasn't looking, he was in love with the brunette woman across the street and although there were no physical similarities between him and the small blonde boy she knew instinctively that he was his father. By the time she turned back the dark haired woman was gone and she was left with new information she wished she had never had the misfortune to learn.

That night when Karen's phone had rang she had answered it knowing without being told that he was on the other end of the line. Neither one of them had said a word as she simply listened to the sound of him breathing for what seemed like an eternity before hanging up and going to her son's room where she had stood watching him sleep silent tears falling down her face.

Tree Hill was a small town and it was impossible to completely avoid the sight of Dan with the family he had chosen but after that day she never allowed herself to cry for what might have been. She simply accepted her life for what it was and did her best to make the best of it.

Keith had remained in her life, ever present and always hoping but she never acknowledged that hope, knew that she could never be what it was he wanted. She couldn't be the woman that would love him the way he deserved to be loved so she was the only thing she could be, his friend. Lucas loved him like a father and she could only hope that that coupled with her friendship could somehow be enough for him. As much as it pained her to admit it she needed him in her life.

She knew there were occasions that Dan sat across the road from her café watching her and Lucas. Most of the time she pretended not to notice but sometimes she couldn't help herself and she would look up and stare into his eyes and allow the longing she still felt for him to overtake her body. But it was a longing she would never act on she knew how it felt to have the man you loved be with someone else and while she didn't care about the other woman he had married she couldn't bring herself to put someone else through that.

Lucas was the only thing in her life that mattered and she watched him grow with the most intense love she could ever imagine feeling. It wasn't the love that she had experienced with Dan but it was the only love she had in her life. The day that Lucas had come home telling her that he was joining the basketball team she had reacted badly but only because she had been filled with such fear about what it would mean for her. The idea of seeing Dan and his son on a regular basis had scared her more than she would ever admit to anyone but she knew that she could not hold Lucas back simply because of her feelings. She had to put that aside and do what was best for her son just as she had since the day he was born.

Keith offered his support just as he always did and she clung onto that perhaps more than she should. She knew just as she always had what he was hoping for and she allowed him to hope it just for the sense of security it gave her. She needed the buffer he provided if she was going to survive being around the basketball scene and all that it entailed.

She tried to convince herself that perhaps she felt something for him too, that perhaps she could be content to live a life filled with the love of a friend, a man who would always love her but could never give her what she truly needed. The night she left for Italy to go to the cooking school she acted on impulse and leaned in kissing him, hoping to feel something, anything that could somehow fill the emptiness in her soul. As she pulled back she saw the look of joy in his eyes and felt only anguish in response. The kiss had given her nothing more than a pleasant warmth while it seemed to have meant so much more to him and she was filled with terror that she may have destroyed the best friendship she had ever had.

As good a man as Keith was he was incapable of arousing the same passion in her that Dan had always been able to with nothing more than a single look. She did her best during her time away to tell herself that she was getting older now and that relationships could not always be about passion that a deep friendship was a better basis for a marriage than any amount of passion could ever be. By the time she was ready to fly back to Tree Hill she was determined to give the relationship with Keith a try for all of their sakes. Lucas obviously loved the older man and for him she would do just about anything. He deserved to have a real family and she had an opportunity to give it to him.

She had walked out into the terminal at the Charlotte airport looking anxiously around for Keith and her son but instead had been confronted with no-one but strangers. The rest of that night had been nothing short of a nightmare, one that at the time she had wondered if she would ever wake up from. Nothing seemed to make sense and perhaps the most surreal moment of all had been hearing the doctor saying so casually "The kid's lucky his father got him here so fast." She had been so sure that the man had been mistaken until Keith reiterated what he said telling her that Dan was the one who had pulled their son from the wreckage, that he had saved his life and most bizarrely of all had finally acknowledged Lucas as his son. Before she could fully absorb the meaning behind these words though they had been interrupted by a brunette she had never seen before and she was once again confronted with the realisation of just how much had changed in the short time she had been gone. When she had finally been allowed to go and see Lucas lying in that hospital bed looking so broken and helpless it had been almost more than she could bear but finding out Keith was the one who was responsible had shattered her. The one person she had felt she could trust with her son had let her down in the worst possible way and she was left with a profound sense of loneliness the likes of which she had only ever felt once before in her life.

She had watched his friends come to his bedside, seen the love that both Brooke and Peyton so obviously felt for him and did her best to smile through her tears. But by some miracle it had all been ok. Lucas had woken up and although he had a lot of external injuries she was blessed with the knowledge that he was going to be ok. It was only then when she knew for certain that he was no longer in danger that she was able to leave his side to do the one thing that she had waiting for with both anxiety and uncertainty. She honestly didn't know what would happen but she knew she had to go. She had to see him.

Walking into the dealership she had been awash with emotions but when she saw him walking towards her his eyes filled with an anxiety he tried so hard to mask she had felt only one thing. That love that she had tried for so long to bury was still there. It was no longer the love that it once was, it had been tainted with everything that had happened between them since she had become pregnant but nevertheless it was still there. She had swallowed down the lump in her throat unable to speak and fought the urge to throw herself into his arms. She had heard the words of self defence coming from his mouth but still had not been able to find her voice instead she had put her arms around him holding him to her. Feeling his arms come around her too it had felt like coming home. For just a moment she allowed herself to fantasise that she never had to leave his arms, that maybe just maybe there was still a way that they could recapture what they once had. Somehow all of the past mistakes could be swept under the rug because in that moment none of what had come before mattered there were only the two of them wordlessly rejoicing in the knowledge that their son was alive.

The fantasy though was short lived and she reluctantly pulled back from him her eyes locking with his as she did so. She could see a hundred different emotions swimming around in them and finally after what seemed an eternity she found her voice saying the only words that seemed appropriate, "thank-you." Neither one of them had broken their gaze away from the other as they both for the first time allowed the other one to see the lingering embers of the love they once shared. The embers that neither one had ever allowed to completely die out. It took every ounce of strength inside of her to walk away from him then but somehow she did but as she left she felt his eyes still staring at her, watching her until she was gone from view.

In the following weeks his eyes had haunted her not only in her dreams but during the day too. The way it had felt to be in his arms was once again fresh in her mind and thoughts of him had consumed her. She reminded herself endlessly that nothing had really changed and while she should feel grateful to him for the way he had stepped up when she and Lucas needed him the most that didn't compensate for all the years of neglect. But as always when it came to Dan her heart was at war with her head.

Turning down Keith's proposal had been hard but she had known instinctively that she could not marry him. She told him it was because she needed to find herself as a person and she told herself that something between them had been shattered when he had endangered Lucas the way he had but she knew deep down that at the very heart of the matter was Dan. She couldn't marry Keith when barely two months before she had finally admitted to herself that she was still not over Dan.

She watched from a distance as he and Deb gave their marriage another try and saw him once again do things that hurt Lucas and began to finally form a protective layer around her heart once again. He seemed to have become nothing more than a shell of the man she once loved and whatever flicker of the old Dan she had seen after Lucas had been in the accident had once again disappeared.

She looked at her life and was not happy with what she saw. She had nothing in her life bar Lucas and the café. While she had been content to simply have those things for so long she had finally come to a time in her life where she needed something more. Lucas was almost grown up and it would only be a little more than a year before he would be leaving her to go to college. She could no longer only base her life around him because when he left she would be stuck with nothing. That was when she decided it was time to go back to school. She needed to somehow expand her horizons.

It was then that Andy came into her life, young, sexy Andy who brought the excitement and passion that she had been missing. For the first time in a long time she was something other than a mom. She felt young and attractive and vibrant all at once. He was a young man surrounded by all sorts of beauties and he wanted her.

Being with him allowed her to recapture a small part of her youth, she could return to the days of feeling young and carefree much like it had been with Dan before everything had gone so disastrously wrong. Looking back at it now she knew that perhaps that was why she had believed the feelings she had for Andy to be love. She wanted to believe that it was just like it was with Dan but nothing had ever been quite like it was with Dan. Andy had been a special guy and perhaps if there had been no Dan to compare him to she could have made a life with him but the simple fact was that there had been a Dan and she could no more forget him than she could change Lucas' existence in her life and her life would not be what it is without them.

She tried so hard to just go with what it was she had with Andy, to lose herself in the love that he seemed to feel for her but she couldn't do it. Dan was always there in the background, waiting, watching, but for what she couldn't be sure.

When Andy had come to her telling her that Dan was trying to have him deported she reacted with anger. She rushed over to the dealership brimming with rage ready to tell him once and for all that he no longer had any place in her life. All of the frustration that had been locked inside of her for years came spilling out. She yelled at him, releasing the fury inside of her and he responded with a smirk telling her that her anger and outrage could be mistaken for passion. She forced herself to remain calm, to deny his words but deep down she recognised the truth in what he was saying and it terrified her. She answered disdainfully hoping that even as she attempted to convince him of her lack of feelings, of passion for him, that she could convince herself too.

Then he had done the unthinkable, he had grabbed her kissing her, instinctively she had fought against it telling herself that she had Andy, knowing that if she gave in for even a second that she would never be able to stop herself from that path of self destruction. In those split seconds she forced herself to remember everything that had happened since the day she had discovered she was pregnant, to remember all the nights she had spent alone with only the company of a small child. She thought about the constant struggle she had gone through while Dan and his family had lived a life of wealth and prestige. Somehow she broke free barely hearing the words he spoke over the pounding of her heart. Her mind was racing and almost before she knew what she was doing she had picked up the chair hurling it towards the glass where he still stood smirking at her knowing the effect he had had on her.

Lying in bed that night though she had still been able to feel his lips on hers, feel his tongue pressing against her begging for entry. She'd known then that she had to get away from Tree Hill and most importantly she had to get away from Dan. So she had fled to New Zealand praying that somehow without the spectre of Dan hanging over them she could make her relationship with Andy something more than it could ever be.

Ending her relationship with Andy and returning to Tree Hill had been one of the easiest and yet most difficult things in her life. She knew almost as soon as she arrived in New Zealand that she had made a mistake going there but she had persevered hoping that something would change. The change that she was praying for though did not eventuate and when Andy started talking about children she knew she had to end it. It was unfair to him to keep him tied to her when her own feelings did not match his. As much as it terrified her she had to release him and face her demons alone.

Her return to Tree Hill had happened with little fanfare. She and Dan had continued to dance around each other firing off bitter words and innuendoes, telling herself that this time she would succeed in her desire to hate him.

She started spending more and more time with Deb encouraging all of her tales of how horrible a life she had experienced with Dan, needing to hear it, to make herself believe that she was better off without him. It was during this time that she realised just how much she missed Keith's stabilising presence in her life. Barely a day had passed in the last eighteen years without some form of contact between them and now she was alone. Lucas was busy with his own life and she was left standing on the sidelines once again waiting for her chance at love and a life that she still believed she deserved.

Perhaps it was a combination of all of these things that lead to her getting herself so caught up in the whirlwind that was her romance with Keith. She was tired of being alone and she knew he loved her, she had feelings for him too and perhaps this time they would be enough. So she opened her heart to him fully and completely for the first time sure that here was the one man who would never hurt her, who would never leave her if she simply let him in. All she had to do was drop all of her defences and she could have the life she had been longing for, for so long.

Keith made her feel again, when she was with him she felt like the only woman on the planet who mattered and after so long without that feeling it was wondrous to be treated that way again.

She saw Lucas' happiness that the two of them were finally giving their relationship a chance and told herself that even if there was nothing else that joy on her son's face was a reason for her and Keith to be together. But the truth was there was something. That friendship that she had held with him for so long had blossomed into something new and while she didn't kid herself into believing that it was the love of her life she knew that it was more than enough for her to live happily with for the rest of her days.

As her relationship with Keith progressed though it seemed that Dan was no longer content to just hover in the background of her life, it seemed almost as if everywhere she turned he was there watching them and she convinced herself that he just didn't want to see her happy. She knew that he and Keith had not had a good relationship almost from the onset of puberty and that he had never liked the way his older brother seemed to be able to talk to her and understand her in a way that he himself could not but that had never mattered. Dan had understood her in a way that Keith could never hope to, in the way that only two people completely attuned to the other person could ever do. He had been able to read her like a book but somewhere along the line he had stopped trying and that had seemingly died between them just like everything else. She couldn't allow him to spoil this too though and so she had fought against it all.

Sitting watching the teenagers dancing around on the stage so happy and obviously full of love was like a wake up call. Keith professing the same feelings that she had only just admitted to herself was the deciding factor. Hearing him say that he could die a happy man if the rest of his days were like the one they had just had propelled her into action. The words came spilling out of her mouth, "Marry me." He looked shocked but she knew that it was the right thing to do. They made each other happy and they could continue to do that for the rest of their lives.

She threw herself into preparations for her wedding determined to make it the happiest day of both of their lives. She was only ever going to get married once and it had to be special. She had dreamed of the day she would become Mrs Scott back when she was young but she had never in her wildest dreams considered that it would be Keith she would be marrying and not Dan. But they say life is full of surprises and this was just another example of that. Things never turn out the way you expect.

She saw the happiness in Keith's eyes and was pleased she could give him this. After everything he had done for her and Lucas over the years she was finally able to give something back. But it wasn't simply about gratitude she had genuine feelings for Keith and she knew they would have a good life together.

It wasn't until she was standing outside the school desperately waiting for news of Lucas who was trapped inside with Jimmy Edwards that some of her real feelings came rushing to the surface. Keith stood there with his arms around her promising her that he would not let anything happen to 'their' boy and she was struck by how wrong it was. Dan was standing not too far away and for a moment she wished she could go to him and share her fear and anxiety over the fate of their son. Dan was Lucas' father and she was his mother, they should be dealing with their despair together.

She knew that it was not necessarily realistic to believe that Dan had any real feelings for their child. He had done little in the time since he was born to indicate that he even recognised the child as being his flesh and blood and yet Lucas still bonded them together. In times of crisis he was still the first person she thought to turn to. She couldn't even begin to understand why that would be.

What had happened next had seemed to be little more than a blur. She had gone to the gym to get Brooke and when she returned to her post at the front of the school her world as she knew it had been torn away from her. Keith was dead and she couldn't shake the feeling of responsibility that engulfed her as she heard those words. He wouldn't have even been there if it weren't for her and if she hadn't left him to go and tend to Brooke he would never have gotten the opportunity to go into that school with the murderous teen. Somehow she would have stopped him, if only she'd been there. But she hadn't been there and now Keith was dead. Keith who had been the one constant in her life was gone and he was never coming back.

Standing at the cemetery watching them bury the man she had been ready to marry she could feel Dan's silent presence beside her. She never once looked at him even as she knew he threw a handful of dirt onto the coffin, she kept her eyes steadfastly closed allowing her grief and guilt to envelop her in equal parts. But most of all she felt anger, anger that through wanting to do nothing more than good just as he had always done Keith was dead at the hands of a child with a gun.

She had seen Dan stop in front of the house during the wake and for what could have been no more than a mere second they had stared into each others eyes before he had driven away. She had seen something in his eyes in that moment, something akin to terror although she could not imagine what had put it there. Turning away she had forced it from her mind feeling as if by even allowing thoughts of Dan at that moment that she was somehow betraying Keith's memory.

The anger though refused to be expelled no matter what she tried she couldn't shake the bitterness that invaded her soul. She had gone to Keith's hoping that if she at least did something constructive that some of the hopelessness she was experiencing could be released. She had gone through his things hoping that somewhere in amongst them all lay the answer to her despair but none had brought her what she needed.

Then the door had opened and Dan had come in and she finally had a target for all of her feelings of bitterness and anger. After everything that had come before between them she knew it would be justified and so she had allowed the words to come spewing forth but instead of the vitriol she intended her words that were supposed to be about Keith her words seemed to come from some place deep inside of her. Feelings that she had kept locked up for so long were now free. She spoke as if she were talking about Keith but she and Dan both knew that a lot of what she was saying was more about her. It was only with Dan's parting words that she finally had a true outlet for her anger.

Knowing that Lucas had risked his life on not one but two occasions burned deep inside of her. She had raced home lashing out at the grief stricken boy and for the first time in his life had not felt a shred of remorse as she saw the hurt in his eyes that she had put there. All she could think about was how it seemed that she was destined to spend her life alone. First Dan had left her, then Keith had been taken away and Lucas it seemed was on a one way path to self destruction. It could only be a matter of time before she lost him too.

Everything in her life seemed to be completely beyond her control. She and Lucas were barely speaking and when he had come into the kitchen dressed to go to Jimmy's funeral it was almost like she was drowning. She tried to forbid him to go but he wouldn't listen. Everything that she had counted on seemed to be slipping beyond her grasp, she was no longer in control of anything, not her son, not her emotions, nothing.

She had gone to her bedroom sitting in front of the mirror staring at her own face looking for something, anything that could give her some sense of hope but there had been nothing. Her feelings were overwhelming her and she had to escape. She picked up her car keys almost on auto pilot and drove stopping only when she came to the cemetery where Keith was buried. She tried to get out of the car to go to his grave but couldn't do it. She didn't know how long she sat there but when she looked up it was dark. She pressed her forehead against the steering wheel willing herself the power to get through this. Then she had straightened up, starting the car and driving without knowing consciously where she was going. It was only when she pulled up in the drive of the beach house that she acknowledged to herself that she had known she was coming here, had known that there was nowhere else for her to go at this moment. She could only pray that the salvation she so desperately needed awaited her inside.

She rang the bell waiting impatiently for him to answer. She saw the look of shock in his eyes as he opened the door saw him trying to form words. But it was not his words she needed, it was him. She stepped into the room and with hands that she was not entirely sure were her own began to take off her clothes all the time watching him. She saw him open his mouth to speak again and knew she could not allow that to happen. If he spoke the spell would be broken. She needed to lose herself inside of him, to take comfort in the only way she knew how. Finally free of her clothes she stepped closer pressing her mouth to his hoping against hope that he would respond. She grabbed his hands bringing them to her naked skin urging him into action but still he did nothing. Finally in desperation she nipped at his bottom lip causing him to open his mouth and grant her the access she craved. She moaned as she felt his tongue come out to meet hers, as she felt his hands begin to knead her naked flesh. She craved him in a way that she had never been able to crave anyone else. Together they pulled off his clothes until finally she felt him naked against her, could feel the evidence of his want for her pressing against her stomach. She pushed him to the ground straddling him, impaling herself on him, losing herself in the feel of his lips and his hands on her.

When it was over she lifted herself from him walking to the stairs knowing instinctively that he would follow. She heard his laboured breath behind her and heard his panted questions wanting to know why she had come here, why now after so long but those were questions she could not answer so instead she had refused continuing up the stairs confident that he would once again follow.

The hours that followed had only served to temporarily slake her thirst for him and his touch. But finally they had both been too physically exhausted to continue. She had pretended to sleep not knowing and not caring if he believed that she was truly asleep until finally she had been sure that he had given into the sleep that eluded him. She had seen what he did while he thought she was sleeping, seen the video of that long ago time when they had both been so sure that they were destined to be together forever. It made her feel ill to look at it now knowing everything that had come since and yet she had continued to watch surreptitiously through lowered lashes allowing herself to remember the only time in her life when she had truly felt she had everything she ever wanted.

She didn't know what it was that had brought her here to him. Perhaps it was love, perhaps it was hate or maybe it was even a combination of the two. All she knew was that as much as she had tried to deny it and run from it this was where she belonged, here with him, the two of them bonded together forever.


End file.
